WAITING FOR THE FISH TO BITE

This is a short monologue that I wrote. The character is a lonely woman. The rest is up to your imagination…

(SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE)

I found a lump today…

(SILENCE)

I was watching the little girls playing in the street.
I was watching them watching me. They always watch me.

(HER FINGERS BEGIN TO CREEP UP HER BELLY)

My fingers were creeping, sometimes I can’t stop them.
But this time they did a good thing.
They stroked my cheek and tickled my neck.
They made me smile.
And for the first time, the girls outside smiled back.
A smile is a magical thing isn’t it?
It can make a dark day bright or a bright day blinding.
A smile can tell you all sorts of things…
A smile can show you how yellow that nice looking man’s teeth really are. And what he last ate. A smile can turn someone beautiful into an ugly creature… just like that.

(SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE)

My smile told me that I had a lump on the roof of my mouth.
Right here –

(SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE AGAIN)

That’s when the little shit’s decided to throw stones at my window…
You know, a smile can also tell you if someone is laughing at you…
But I’ll be the one smiling the next time one of them sticks their fingers through my letterbox.
I have a hobby, it’s called little-shitting, it’s not what it sounds like, it’s fishing, but for little shits…
I like to sit behind my front door and I wedge a £10 note in the letterbox, so that it’s just hanging out.
But it turns out that little shits aren’t quite as stupid as they look…
Either that or they’re blind.
It’s still fun though. It gives me something to do…
It was while I was sitting there on that rusty deckchair that my mum kept from our holidays, when these creeping fingers of mine grew a little bored and began wandering again…

(HER HANDS WANDERS DOWN BETWEEN HER BREASTS, OVER HER BELLY…)

And guess what they found?

(HER HANDS SLIDE OVER HER CROTCH AND OVER THE INSIDE OF HER THIGH, JUST ABOVE THE INSIDE OF HER KNEE)

Another lump…

(SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE)

This one’s different, it’s soft and moves around. I can slide it all the way up inside my leg if I want to, but it always ends up right back where I found it…
I like this one, it makes me feel… funny.

(SHE SMILES)

I think I’m going to try a £20 note next, or a chocolate bar.
I’m not too sure what I’m actually going to do if I catch one of them, I think I might just keep it as a pet… squash it into a little fish tank… or maybe the microwave.

(SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE)

I get so hungry sometimes… I get so hungry it hurts.

(HER FINGERS CREEP TO HER BELLY)

It makes me sick. I get sick a lot.

(SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE)

I used to listen to my mum making herself sick. She used to make herself sick all the time… I’d listen to her gagging as I lay in my bed. I was only little. I’d cuddle my little doll and cover my ears and I’d sing to myself.

(SHE CLOSES HER EYES AND SWAYS TO A SILENT SONG)

I miss my mum, she used to sing to me. She had such beautiful hair.
But my hair always gets in the way when I’m sick.

(HER FINGERS BEGIN TO CREEP UP HER BODY…)

I was trying to hold it out of the way when these naughty little fingers of mine found another lump… this one on the back of my head… right here.

(…HER FINGERS CREEP INTO HER HAIR)

Then they found one here… and here… and here…

(SHE PRESSES DIFFERENT SPOTS ON HER HEAD)

But these ones hurt.
They scared me.
I went to see the Doctor, she said not to worry. All they are is just fat and gristle… that’s all… just like those bits you find in cheap sausage rolls.

(SILENCE)

That reminds me of a joke I heard one of those little shit’s say.
How do you make a sausage roll? You push it down a hill.
They thought it was hilarious.
I tried telling them a joke once… well, it was more yelled at them through the letterbox.
Why did the punk cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken.
They didn’t get it…

(SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE)

I’ll try and catch one again tomorrow, maybe I’ll use a sausage roll with a hook inside of it this time. They’re bound to bite one day. And when that happens, I’ll be the one that’s smiling.

(HER FINGERS BEGIN TO CREEP…)

I almost forgot… I do have a reason to smile.
Because I found another lump today… right here…

(…HER HANDS PRESS AGAINST HER BELLY)

Another big lump of gristle and fat.
That kicks…

FROM NOTHING TO SOMETHING: OUR JOURNEY THROUGH 2018

At the end of 2017 we were really struggling, it took sheer determination and the belief of our friends and fans to overcome the challenges that awaited us. We would not have believed that in the space of a year we would be where we are now. To celebrate this last year and to say a huge thank you to you all, we’ve created this monumental masterpiece of madness. Come take a look back at our journey through 2018 with us…

Thank you to everyone involved.

Parental Advisory is available from – https://fma12gage.bandcamp.com/

The Breach

An unsuspecting woman receives a silent and creeping visitor…

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to watch the WHOLE film. This project has turned into more of a look into people’s lack of patience and attention in this modern day which is not what we had originally intended. Nevertheless, whichever version of The Breach that you end up watching, we hope you enjoy it…

The Breach is the 2nd short film from the team behind the award winning short film – Patient 13.

Official selection – The Great Northern Creative Expo 2018

Starring – Edward Bretherton and Elaine Minnie Fellows

Directed by Gary Coogan

Written by Matthew Bennett

A SPECIAL DELIVERY + THE LORD OF THE HAIRCUTS

In the buildup to our album launch we created two videos which we are extremely proud of.

The first of these manages to show off our merch and our album, and includes a special guest appearance as well as a history lesson plus a trailer for the album launch. All in just over five minutes –

The second is a video that was months in the making…

Months before creating this I had the idea of growing my hair and making a video about me getting it cut. We ended up allowing people to vote on what hairstyle I should have. We gave them five choices.

This video turned out much better than we could have hoped. It is the most complicated and longest video that we have made so far. It is also my favourite –